I have no idea what I am doing.
There. I said it.
For some reason I thought it would help. It doesn't. Not really, anyway.
Michael and I just got back from a two week tour of Switzerland and Italy. It was amazing, wonderful, full of adventure, and by the time it was all said and done I was ready to come home.
Life before Italy (I'm going to abbreviate our Switzerland/Italy vacation to just Italy since most of our time was spend there, and it's a shorter word to write than Switzerland or Europe) was busy and more or less satisfying. Okay, that's a lie. I filled most of my time with working out and trying new and healthy recipes for dinner every night. On Wednesdays I mowed the lawn and took out the trash. I was beginning to feel like my life was lacking purpose, but what could I do about it?? I could try to get a job, but then I'd have to tell them that I needed two weeks for a European vacay with the hubby right off the bat. I don't think that would have gone so well. So we planned and prepped for our trip and I continued on, telling myself that I would do the job/purpose of life thing when I got back.
So now here I am. Back from Europe and ready to put myself out there. Except that I'm not. I've lost my motivation, my mojo, my propulsion, my desire to feel wanted, needed, and need to feel like contributing to this thing I call my life. I'm at a stand still. Stagnant.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
Worse. I have no idea what I want or even should do about it. I just don't know.
On Fitness
I told myself that I was going to take a break with the whole workout/running thing while I was on vacation, for obvious reasons. I know that some people pack their workout gear and get their runs in while they are out of town (indeed, it sounds like a great way to explore a new city), but I am not one of those people. I am scared to run anywhere outside my neighborhood for crying out loud! I ate horribly, but that's not really my fault. Have you seen what those Italians eat?? Pasta, pasta, bread, pasta, and more pasta! I don't know how they are all so thin (and I don't know why Americans are so fat! but I digress...). It did indulge at first, telling myself that "hey! I'm on vacation. When in Rome!" and all that good stuff even though I was only in Rome for two days. But by the end of it, I would have killed for a salad and a steak. I gained six pounds on this trip, most of which I have already lost in the three days I have been home, but I'm scared to measure myself with the measuring tape. The inches are more frightening than the pounds. Go ahead. Ask me what I am going to do about it.
I have no idea. What was once a regular workout routine with daily mile and half walks, and an average three night a week gym attendance has turned into me sitting in my workout clothes pounding out a blog post in an attempt to waste the extra time I have from getting up at six am this morning (Is the world going to come to an end? Me thinks so). I just can't make myself do it.
And Running??? Ha! I started running in the most natural of ways. I took an orientation class at the local humane society so that I could become a volunteer. When they said that they liked to get all of the dogs in the kennel out for a walk at least once a day, it dawned on me. Why on earth would I volunteer to do that for some other dog, when I didn't even do it for my own? My puppy deserved more. So we starting going for regular walks. But my dog has a lot of energy and I was going too slow. So we started running. Then I decided that it would be cool to take up running as a regular gig, you know, train on my own, run with my sister when we got together, and maybe when I felt like I had enough endurance I'd sign up for a race or two.
Now? I have no idea. The idea of running doesn't thrill me. The furthest I have ever run in a single day was five and half miles. No marathon by far, but okay for a 5k or 10k competitive race. Except I don't have the desire anymore. Before my trip, I used to think about how great my body would look as a toned and seasoned runner (much like my beautiful older sister, who is indeed, a toned and seasoned runner). But I'm finding that running really kind of sucks. Not totally and completely, because there is something amazing about coming home and saying "I did it. I ran three miles today, and I didn't feel like dying!" But I am finding that it's a lot of work. It's a lot of work with not very much benefit. Every time I log my distance and calculate my calories burnt, I'm disappointed. I realize that in my two hours of running, I could have burned the same amount of calories in 40 minutes on the elliptical, and my ankle wouldn't hate me so much. Maybe I'm just not past that point in my running career yet. Maybe it gets better. I just don't know. And I'm finding post-trip that I don't really have the desire to find out.
On Career
I have been wanting a job for a while now. The highlight of my day is getting out of the house to meet Michael for lunch. And while I love that we get to spend that time together and the discussions we have, I would love for my whole day to feel productive. I want to contribute to the family finances and feel like I have an authentic say in the monetary decisions. I want to support my husband so that he can feel comfortable about his retirement (it's a long way off, but closer than I think either of us would like). I have a degree and am unemployed. That sucks. It makes me feel worthless It's not worthless feeling in the sense that I don't know why I'm alive, just worthless in the fact that I'm doing absolutely nothing with my time. My time is worth nothing. While other people are heading to the office or waking up to care for their children, I find odds and ends to fill my otherwise void of a life. Except Wednesdays; I mow the lawn and take out the garbage on Wednesdays. Maybe that's it... my life is void. It would be okay if I was a stay at home mom, because then my life would be filled with purpose. But I'm not, and it isn't.
So a job. I can't really get a job in Education. I've tried. I need to find something else, some other field in which I will feel wanted and appreciated. A place where I can feel accomplished and where my time and efforts are valued. I have no idea where that is. I don't even know what I would want to do. Maybe I should go back to school and get a Masters in something more.... over-branching. Is that even a word? You know what I mean, right? Like an MBA with an emphasis is finance or accounting. One could do a lot and go a lot of places with that one, while elementary education is, well, elementary education. ..... I don't know...
On School
Seriously.... I don't know. It sounds like a lot of work. Normally the amount of work would seem daunting, and it's not really the issue this time. I'm ready for the work. At least I would feel like I was moving forward toward a goal. I haven't felt like that in a long time. The problem I have is that I'm not sure that a masters degree would get me anywhere my bachelors degree couldn't. I still wouldn't have any experience, and I already know what it feels like to have a degree and be unable to get a job. It's not a good feeling. Should I complicate that by getting a masters and give employers another opportunity to over look me just because they would have to pay me more?? I don't think I could bear it.
Apparently I worry a lot. I've weighed a lot of options and yet here I stand at the cross roads, with no idea where to go or what to do. And the Cheshire Cat is laughing at me; I used to think he was cute.
I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, and I have no idea what to do about it.
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