Back from the Dead

No, I didn't fall off the face of the earth. Although, I seriously feels like I did and hit every proverbial branch on the way down. That being said, let's get down to the nitty-gritty.

School has started once again. I hate that it has, but I was also getting really bored sitting around the house all day with nothing to do. It has been a little overwhelming to tell the truth. I am taking 17 credits this semester (something that I would never, ever, in my right mind do) but I am finding that it really could be a good thing for me. There is a constant and somewhat annoying pressure to stay on top of my school work. There is always an assignment I need to complete or prepare for. This is especially true because I had to miss the first week of classes for my surgery.

Oh yah. I had surgery. I had surgery almost 18 months ago. It was a basic Laporoscopy. They cut me open and took a look. Everything looked normal, but didn't help as it didn't explain why I was feeling so poorly. When I starting seeing this new doctor, she suggested that it was worth taking another look and possibly worth removing my appendix. It was so refreshing to finally find a doctor with a plan of action. So, I signed all the papers and let them open me up again. All of my girly parts looked normal, but my appendix looked that it was/had been recently infected. Good news! They actually found something wrong with me! I am just hoping that this was the cause of all my aches and pains for the last two years.

Since the start of the new year, I've also begun a new diet. People look at me and say, 'why?' and I say, because I felt bigger than I should be. Just because I look thin, does not mean I feel healthy. It is also more of M's idea. The poor guy has had a lot of trouble losing weight the last year or so. It's easier to make behavioral changes when you have a good support system. I am that to M. We have both lost at least eight pounds since the 2nd of January, and I feel so much better about myself! My stomach is seriously not poochy anymore, which I love, and I feel healthier. Our goal is to make it on our new diet until our vacation over spring break. That way we won't look like pregnant seals in our wetsuits!

I have found myself in a fascinating obsession. I do not know why I do this, but I have become very aware of my behavior in the last few weeks. I have become obsessed with my mother. M bought me a book for Christmasthat was recommended to me by my sisters called, "Motherless Daughters". I was astounded when I read the first page. The woman was writing about my life and how my mother's death affected how I see myself! Okay, she was really writing about her own experiences, but it might as well have been me. When I read it to M, he was just as surprised as I was. She went into such detail about the loss of the mother affects EVERYTHING about our lives as we get older. She said that she didn't learn a lot of 'girl' social cues (ie. how to chat endlessly on the telephone about absolutely nothing) and stated that she somehow couldn't really relate to other females. In fact, most of her friends were guys. Ha! How could she not be writing about me?! But the greatest part about this book is the fact that it talks about how grieving is a process.... and also that it's like a season. You don't just grieve once and get over it. There will be times that you wish she was there (ie. wedding day, birth of a child, etc) and you grieve everytime. Very fascinating.

I have also found myself trying to figure out who my mother really was. My sister was thoughtful enough to make us all booklets of memories that people had of our mother. She really was an extrordinary woman. The part I have trouble with is the need I feel to BECOME her. I have no idea why I think I have to do everything like she did. I remember that as a child, we had a book in our home called "Back to Basics". It really is a very informative book on how to enjoy traditional American skills. What cracks me up is that it's all based on country living. Hello! I live in the city. The book really isn't that practical for my situation. And yet, I find it necessary to own a copy for my own home. I feel pulled to do things that she used to do. I find myself thinking, "I should really learn to do this because she used to do it." I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I know that many of the things she enjoyed are worth knowing how to do, and I know that I could come to enjoy similar activities. But I think I should be more focused on finding things that I like to do. I should develop my own self--instead of trying to me into her. I envy her on so many levels, but I just don't think I could fill those shoes-- I would ultimately just be disappointed that I couldn't do half the things she could. But yet, I feel the pull.