Dark Days

I hate myself for being so weak. M says that he's tired of being the strong one in our relationship, and he's right. It's not fair. I wish that I could be more like him. It's like anytime I face something I'm not comfortable with, I freeze up. Actually, I curl up. and I just loose all control. Now, I don't mind a good sob now and then, but I hate the feelings I get when I lose it. I can't explain these feelings except that they make me hate myself.

I am so tired of feeling the way that I do. All of my health stuff that I'm dealing with just seems to be wearing me down. I don't feel like this will ever get better. I just don't feel right about it. M says that it's because I'm not being aggressive about getting better. He's probably right. He usually is. I just think that I am fighting a losing battle. It just has been dragging on for so long... two years practically. I am tired of this emotional rollarcoaster. I want off!

It just really gets me down when I try to make make sacrifices knowing that it's just going to backfire. I worry that I'm going to lose him. We've been through so much together, but I'll be the first to acknowledge that a person can only take so much. He says that it's only one aspect of our relationship... that he knows it will get better-- but I am not so sure. What if it doesn't?
For the first time last night, amid all the panic and frustration, I actually felt like we were losing each other. I have never been so scared/sad/depressed/angry/frustrated in my entire life. All I could do was sob. I knew he felt the same. But being the source of strength that he's always been, he talked me through it. As long as I live, I will never forget that night. I will never forget how he looked barefoot in his jeans and undershirt as we sat on the bathroom floor; fighting for us. Or how he was able to weather the storm first only to turn around and reach for me.

I know exactly where I would be without him. And I am glad he has saved me from it.